I was listening to a podcast called New mindset who Dis featuring Case Kenny I highly recommend you listen to his podcast. He used this same title as clickbait and it worked. I really got to thinking but Does the size of your life really matter? all the things that you think will make you […]Does the size really matter?
I Dont even know what to feel right nolw as he showed up- from las cvegas out of the blue like it was nothing…..with nothing but a backpack and himself.
ikt was a very traumatic split almost two years ago now.
Where the little babies grow, then back to my home,
‘ where they dont wanna go! For if they do,
their ego will say
what do I do? with all this debt in cue? down by the bayyyyy
No one seems to have them.
let me tell you about how my dad (also bipolar has been staying here at my house.
He was only supposed to visit and or find himself a place to live so he wouldnt invade my place.
well, he never left, and I just foundf out that her wants to pick up his girlfriend who just came from treatment. to stay here too, he didnt ask me he just says “I might ha ve to go pick up Kelly in a day or two”
who the fuck asked him to move in for one and two? his girlfriend? to invade my home steal my shit and just plain sharing feminism in my domain. I feel like what I want doesnt matter and it’s totaly okay to take over my living room while my five year old daughter watches the examples you put in life. thanks dad for being lazy on my couch or taking over my tv and my house like you do. thanks for drinking all the milk
And go to the fucking woods before it gets too cold..
Look up a nature trail near you and fucking go. Breath in the air, assess the nature that is around you, take home leaves. find feathers. Whatever it is that intrigues you.
smash fucking rocks for all I care.
I’ve never been the one to feel like I have everything together, my life and it’s ups and downs, the people within it, my money and career and my parenting. Did I forget to mention love?
I am sure all of you relate, maybe all of these areas are out of wack? maybe none? Do you want to go from being a dysfunctionalationist to a FUNctionalationist? Yes, because it’s fun.
My Super Functionalationist Vacation vocation
I hope when you read this letter, it isnt too late. Too late to heal, too late to say something to me, too late because I’ll be moved on.
I wish you could see every argument we have. I wish you could see the faults in both of us and not just me. I hope you can see this as a plea and try to correct things.
Do you actually recall what I said to you in the past that was so bad? Because I t hink about what you’ve said all the time. Youre my mother, youre supposed to be my besdt friend through it all.
How come I used to be able to talk to you about things that bother me, my vulnerabilities as a struggling single mom? How come I feel like I don’t get the understanding I would like from you without you getting angry? You dont believe any of this I know, but I wish I could film you and let you see the minute your mood, tone and attitude turns angry and negative.
I wish I could have the encouragement I need from you, the hugs, the motherly stuff I would normally get from you. The past year things have changedf dramatically and I dont know why. I feel like everything I do is an apparent failure and is frowned upon. I feel like every choice I make you will find something else to correct it with, like my chocies and my feelings are invalid.
I asked you the other day for the $200 dollar I gave you to hold, I had the idea of opening a savings and I asked you for it back. You replied “you can have YOUR money back, take it before I blow it at the casino right?” that hurt me deeply because you jump so far ahead into an argument before the argument can even be made at all. I just simply asked. I asked you to be motherly when i was feeling down and you told me “Fuck you” I said I felt ugly, and you said I looked beautiful if I dressed myself up and had makeup, that made me feel completely ugly, like I know I would never say such a thing to Olivia.
If I have one concern about what you do with my daughter you automatically fight me. it’s ruioning our relationship, I want to move away and never come back. I am so hurtt by the things you have done lately. the things you say, thgen you accuse me of treating you so badly but do you actually even recall what I have said to you? that was so bad? have I sworn at you and said I didnt want to see you? no but you have to me and it hurts because I never wanted to be treated lioke GARBAGEE by someone who calls themselves mom.
I get so deprtessed by the way you take us for granted like I would never leave, once I do I will be free from all this fighting. my daughter neeeds a normal upbringing, my daughter needs to see me happy, and i feel like you dont care what you say or do in front of her but then accuse me of not caring about what I say or do.
you tell gary lies about me and all of us to cover your own tracks. and it’s not fair anymore. Not fair that the one person I trusted the most ended up being someone I dont feel comfortable at all sharing with.
I feel like I didnt get to have the opportunities my siblings had, things are different nowe and ytou are not the same as you used to be. it hurts me and tonight, it ruined my night. I was concerned as I am allowed to be, about olivia. I raise my kid difgferently than you raised us, I dont want her being told something and it not happen. thats just the way I raised her and will raise her. because I know what its like to be disappointed, thanks to my dad. but I shouldnt be yelled at or told that I am actually accusing you when I am calling out your behaviors and I dont like them. Donmt bring my kid around stress then tell me I am causing her anxiety by arguing with you when you cant take constructive critism or be called out on your fucked up actions.,
honestly I am glad I am who I am and not toxic or UNEMPATHETIC like most people. because the one person I didnt expect to be this cold towards me was you. I wish I didnt come here for it to be this bad, I am glad for all the lessons. you told me once when we were fighting that I was a bad mom for fighting in front of her when you were the one who started the fight, but god forbid if you did anything wrong right? God forbid if i have my own opinions and feelings that are V A L I D
one time you told me “you keep saying youre going to move out where are you gonna go?” and that crushed me because you gave me the opportunity here, but you treating my like tyhis is going to make me stop talking to you forerver because I never do anything nearly as bad as melissa ever did but you just bark at me for one little mistep of MY OPINION,. but whatever, I wont be there to help when you’re really down, youll have gary.
I want to be able to heal finally from all this fucked up shit i have gone through in my life. I want to be able to bne happy withgout your negative outlook on life. I work my ass off for you to treat me like this is not right and you know it.
i hope you see that you too need to heal and be kinder to others.
As I silently sip on a cold Elysian, watching my kid sleep. I know we have all made changes or have to make changes to be where we wanna be in life during this 2020 pandemic,
Do you even know anyone who has it?
my kid is strictly doing remote leaning for Kindergarden, fun isn’t it?
I feel for all single moms, those who do not have the support they need to have their kid learn at home and still have a caree, education whateve has you leaving that deadful, mess ridden house.
who am I going to be this year? what is on hold? am I going to work ornot work? Can I take my child to work with me? And most importantly, how does this affect my mental health?
For everyone else reading this, I don’t know where I am going either, I do have a sense of direction like all of you, but I am still lost, keeping up with the clues is very hard and energy consuming,
Tell me about one moment where you lost your shit because of plain jane coronavirus.
Tell me what it means…to YOU.
Respect is nothing that should be a given, that is unless you have parents that have taken care of you, or veterans…..people who treat others with kindness anyways.
This goes back to my poem which is located at the introduction of my blog. Anyways, By mother Theresa.
Respect is my lesson the past few weeks, so many times I have caught myself being downright disrespectful. I take responsibility for that. However, I do not respect people who do not respect me. If I am treated with disrespect, usually I disrespect them back. So far instead of doing that, I just respect them anyways, lve them anyways. Smile and encourage anyways.
God doesnt like ugly, I dont either. God forgives, as will I.
have been treated with disrespect or so long, I couldnt recognize what respect really looked like untill I remembered that poem. I blamed myself, cursed myself, wished I was someone else, even hurt myself thinking I was the problem. Every relationship, no matter what it is whether it’s your relationship with a spouse, mother, brother, sister, aunt… the list goes on. You must give and you must receive the same amount of respect, no matter what it is. Some people give too much, or take too much. finding a healthy balance between the giving and receiving is VITAL. this blog post is all about recognizing the value within yourself. or at least my experience when it comes to relationships, I am clearly a people pleaser. I would rather helpsomeone I care about then do something solely for myself.