Toxicity

Do you ever wonder whether or not you’re in a toxic relationship

I’m in the middle of leaving and trying to find a place to belong in the middle of hanging on and letting go life is a very scary Journey not sure what fork in the road I’m at or which way to go and I can’t keep sitting here and staring at the fork in the road I can’t sit there wondering what decisions I should make Because by the time I decide it’s too late to make the decision have you ever felt like that? Is it me? Is it my mental issues? Or is it them or is it even both of you. Did one turn the other into ugliness or vice a versa are you realizing you’re toxic and people don’t want to really be around you or maybe you don’t want to be around them? I don’t know this is what I have left I’m in between coming and going happy or sad it’s always one of the other I just want to be someone I love someone that someone can love I just want to feel that I don’t want to be alone I also don’t want to hurt anybody.

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crazy little thing called

its no secret,

these days, I am all into parenting, needless to say id like a partner,

the loneliness I feel at times when I just need to rely on someone

my girl needs that dad time where she is the attention, or when those days where my illness takes a hold and I just want to cry, I need someone,

I know in my heart, my decisions are what I feel is right

I try to do it all i can

I see a pattern where I make my assumption that her father will not e the man or ppartner I would need to succeed and also remain happy

the things I ponder at 2am,

such things, that cross my mind pulsing like a headache,

its no headache, my heart hurts for the unrealistic image that remains ifI continue doing what I do for the wrong person, the one person I am doing right for is my daughter and thats who matters in the end,

she needs experiences that would help shape her into a persson she will like in the future, I need her happy with who she is, the way her father is, hes not a person I would like her to look up too solely, ecause down the road she will find a man, I dont want her to think its okay to feel as hurt as I do one day, to feel solely at fault, She and I need to grow and I am no longer growing as a person here I make my decision final,

I know I am important to others, I am worth so much more than this, my potential is there, the opportunities here do not fit, my heart does retain a spot somewhere though someone does care for me deeply I will not feel shame though my daughters father will, I will hear “cheating whore” again

I am in that place, where I want something so much my heart is ready to jump, leap of faith, I made a post a few months ago how I was called a cheater, no, that didnt exist, I am not actually one, I fell for a man who has done so much for me already, he makes me sing, smile laugh and feel i am a goddess, I know this is my site and I will write what I want to There is no one else who has made me feel happy.

His name is Michael and I will commit myself to never let him down.

He is the Garfield to my pookie

Expectations and communication at the home

I’m not cleaning a damn thing today

And even though the whole damn Place bugs me to no end with the chores that have no end along with it I sit down and just not do a damn thing and start going on a tangent in my head about how I want to do things right now. my kid is content with her devices right now and I could be cleaning this house it’s expected of me to clean this house it’s not expected for me to just sit and do nothing.

sometimes I need days where I don’t want to do anything sometimes I need to rely on somebody to keep this house running. Would I be able to rely on someone to keep this house running I would hope so but it doesn’t work like that I don’t think. I am hoping one day I have someone to rely on for the days I don’t feel like doing nothing those days I feel like doing nothing the chores just add up and it’s just as exhausting to get them done sometimes when you got a kid at home all the time and no one to rely on to help clean this house

it’s my job to keep this house running and everything but I just wish I had someone to rely on for the days I can’t do it it is I just want to sit on the phone and relax it is I want to just watch Netflix to pass the depression. My expectations of being a family and having a partner within that family my partner supposed to be there for me instead he gets to sit and sleep and bounce jobs..That’s not a partner it’s a freaking roommate right now I’m well aware of the fact that I can’t rely on him whatsoever it isn’t fair to me as a mother and it’s not in the least fair for me if he expects me to be his partner.

A partnership or a team or a relationship too late be simple, really requires some time dedication and effort for to feel like a fair give-and-take relationship.

So I just saw my first bipolar commercial

I already forgot the name of the medication go figure LOL I saved it somewhere luckily I couldn’t believe it I was about to turn the channel when all the sudden “your bipolar does not define you”

The f*** it doesn’t! Jk

It should say frantic lady going through paperwork with a scattered desk describing What mania looks like.

Everyone has their story about the illness, how they found out, how they manage or how they are learning about this maybe even their realization. My story and realizationwas extremely shocking and scary. I had to look at the hospital reports a couple times for it to hit me I think my mom is still in denial because I’m not that bipolar apparently. But it really does say manic behavior. Which was trigger that night March 2nd 2018

I have no idea about all the different medications as I I I took an anxiety pill for 4 years which actually was not even the right meds and would throw me into mania I mentioned previously I would talk about that experience. When I was about 21 I started to take Zoloft which out with anxiety I thought well twenty-one-year-old me didn’t highlight bipolar or even consider to having it my dad had it but I didn’t know very much at all about it. Anyway, I was taking that also throughout my pregnancy which you can imagine already had the mood swings as it is. So I decided to increase my dose January because they never brought me back to my original 100 mg before I got pregnant I was only on 50s. Well the dose was too high and I ended up being thrown into a manic episode basically probably psychosis even I was kind of semi hallucinating out of touch with reality definitely.

Fast forward two weeks so February. February the decided to put me on lamotrigine which is good for bipolar I think explain to the doctor handling it that my family has a history of it and I identify with the symptoms and signs of bipolar so he put me on that well my dumbass I mean it’s safe to say I just didn’t know I was taking my medications wrong. Seriously wrong I was taking two doses at one time in the morning? Well the bottle said two tablets once-daily I think I got confused regardless I was taking 2 pills in the morning instead of 1 in the morning and one at night something like that so Not only was I doing that treatment of the lowest dose for 2 weeks. Up until the day I forgot I already took my medication so I probably took it that morning with stress and I guess forgetfulness I blame it on medications cuz I can’t remember anything anymore well it slipped my mind apparently that I already took my meds that morning I get frequent reminders from others “hey did you take your meds ” well I I think that I said no I don’t think I did and I was questioning weather I did. I ended up taking another 2 pills and all I have to say was that was the most traumatic night of my life. I was seeing all sorts of weird things, I compare it to a good Doctor Seuss book called Wacky Wednesday if I wanted to go to into details I might do so later long story short I was threatened to get into an ambulance I was so scared and so confused of what was happening to me I just wanted somebody to explain my indecisiveness is going in an ambulance or going to a hospital it was probably what made them threaten me.

Regardless I hope that anybody goes involuntarily to a hospital for manic episodes I sincerely hope that your experience isn’t as scary as mine was and if it was scary I do commend you for getting thus far and open that any treatment or help or anything comes your way and that it is very fulfilling and enrichment for your well being. I don’t know the words to say for that right this second so I said it the best I could right now at 3:30 a.mfunny how I talk about maintaining Mental Health and hygiene when I’m not even doing it myself by staying awake this late oh well it’s a four-day weekend for me haha.. Since then I have been practicing nothing but self-awareness which is something I’ve always kind of tried to do but more so in involving my mental health instead of just relationships and I need to tell everyone who’s reading Please Please maintain and practice your mental hygiene. What do I mean by mental hygiene? Mental hygiene to me is well hygiene is to clean volvi think of clean when you think of hygiene mental would be your brain right? So cleaning your brain? Well not exactly but it’s actually the maintenance of your brain hygiene means maintenance. And with maintenance comes a lot of work just like a car. So let’s say your brain is a car, that car can very easily break down after years of wear and tear much like your brain, but to maintain a car to prevent a breakdown would require some work and maybe some money too, much like your brain! Think of it this way you must invest in yourself and your own well-being to prevent a breakdown, to prevent your car from Catching Fire, running out of gas, dead battery or even a blown head gasket!!!!! Your brain that’s your engine that’s your motor that’s everything that makes you well… You! What good is a car when it does not run right, you don’t just throw it out you could but that’s up to you but really it’s worth it just invest and maintain it and a car doesn’t run right will make your travels much harder much like your life so you better invest in that car and make sure it does run right and if you are not sure if it’s running right talk to someone who can tell you, maintain to ensure the life of the car and your travels will be much

My blog is extremely messy

Not that it matters too much but I’ll go look over that blogs I follow and realized I have no organization just random scattered thoughts makes me look like a real nut case however I am un medicated and a lot of my stuff is just during my episodes